My head is a prison…

I am at work. And I am not working. It feels like I have something crawling under my skin. Something deeply uncomfortable. I know what it is. It is anxiety. I have been struggling with anxiety for a long time now. At least it feels like a long time. It is not much more than a year. I have things I need to do, things that have a deadline today. But I just cannot do them. I try, but I do not get anywhere. Just the thought that I need to start doing something work-related makes me want to cry. My breathing gets faster and shallower. My eyes start prickling and I start looking around my small work area for a safe way to get out. To get away.

 

Then I start reading, or looking at facebook, while looking around to see if anybody have discovered that I am not working. But usually no one notice.

 

Then the beating starts, the beating I give myself in my head. You need to finish this, you need to do this, you have to pull yourself together… Come on, do not be a lazy arse. It goes on and on, until it gets to a point where I can almost look at myself beating myself up. Just observing all the negative thoughts, and my weaker self, trying to answer the accusations. And I watch myself failing, and falling – but I cannot stop it.

 

And when I get back to reality, I am still at work, and I still have things to do. And then the cycle can start all over again.

 

I know the cycle will start again, even before it does. But I do not know how to not let it happen. I can just passively watch as the whole thing starts over again, while a little part of me observes it and wonders, if this will be the last time. But it never is. It never is.

 

I am writing this, instead of working. It gives me a small break from the cycles. Because writing about it, does not have a part in the cycle. But I can feel that the nauseous feeling in my throat is coming back, and my heart is beating faster… So, this is only working for a short while. Before I have to go back to being a prisoner of my own behaviour.

 

I hate being a prisoner. I love and highly treasures rational thought. I have always thought was one of my strong points. And now I am being imprisoned by my own irrational thought spirals. I HATE IT.

 

Well, it is time to go back to the prison…

 

 

No Hipsters Guide – Just trying to pass the time

Written the 20^th of October between 10-14.

Right now I am in a very surreal situation where I am sitting in an old couples apartment with no internet, and a brand new computer. Why you may ask (And if you do not, may I just point out that you are a very insensitive person?)? Because I am hired for a shorter period to start up an office, that as of now is without furniture, but still needs a phone to be answered, so I am sitting in an old couch; looking at the phone that does not ring, in a small room filled with old carpets and “old peoples” furniture. Because since the office is not in a usable state, the old man who hired me has me sitting in his home in my work hours.  So this is the reason I am writing this post: as a mean to keep myself sane, and help me survive 4 hours of sitting in this room looking at a phone that for now is quiet.

It has been ages since I last wrote a blogpost; I just could not get around to writing it.

Partly because life still sucks, and reading blogpost about how my life sucks is not a very enjoyable or very interesting pastime for anyone, so I did not think it was a very readerfriendly thing to do.

Partly because writing a blogpost requires focus and attention, something I do not have a lot of lately, because focus and attention have a certain way of bringing you down when life is already being mean to you.

Now I have to take a break from the blogging because it is apparently time for coffee in the household, and I am invited to take part in a coffee break. I do not believe it very polite to refuse coffee from the kind old lady.

Maybe it is because I have just been binge listening to “welcome to night vale”, (because I have put myself in a situation where I have to go to one of their live shows so it seemed like the least I could do was be prepared,) but this situation is almost like being part of a weird fiction short story. Everything is very strange and off-putting, but everyone is acting like the situation is nothing out of the ordinary.

Like the fact that I have just been told that there will be lunch soon? Really? Like this was not awkward enough already I am going to eat lunch in the kitchen with these two old people, who are very nice, but half the time cannot hear what I am saying. To pass the time I am also helping the old man figuring out his computer, because technology is so difficult, I must understand. And as a part of this I have now handled his social security number and personal information, because I am just that trustworthy. I would with all probability have made an excellent confidence trickster, if it was not for my damn conscience.

Though I must admit that the prospect of driving in a car with the man again, is not exactly something I am confident about. I have now discovered that the man has to have everything magnified to an extend that is grotesque, otherwise he cannot see them, and this is when he is wearing his glasses, which he does not while driving. But I am not sure I am in a position to refuse it if I am offered a ride.

The room I am sitting in is small, and has the apartment’s only TV, since they obviously is of the generation where TVs are something to be hidden away. There is also pictures and art in gold frames standing around, and furniture that to my knowledge is from the late 1800s. All mixed with furniture from the 70’es, and carpets and covers everywhere.

The phone they have bought for me is also quite the special thing. It is a very expensive old peoples phone, a Doro, that can do absolutely nothing, and is as far from a smartphone as it can be. But it can call out, and people can call in, and that is the important thing. But the computer is a nice slim version of a Lenovo work computer, so that they got right.

Mostly I am writing this to pass the time. Because time goes slowly when all you have to do is look at a phone which does not ring.

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Piles of work…

Have you ever tried having so much on your plate that all needs to be done, and done now, that you end up doing something completely different, because it is impossible to start any one of the tasks, without feeling the doom luring over you because you have not started any  of the other tasks… This combined with being interrupted every time you have almost decided what to start with, is very descriptive for the day I am having today.

At this point I have decided to just write a post before doing anything else, because it might clear my head, and it does not matter if I get interrupted in the middle of blogging, compared to when I am actually trying to do something important.

This should not be understood as I have done nothing of the things I needed to do today, it is just that there seem to be raining down jobs and small projects that I need to do, and do now, combined with the need for solving jobs that sort of pops up and needs to be done and solved with only few minutes notice.

So every time I think I might have time to start one of the projects, something that needs immediate attention pops up.

Well, hopefully nothing is so important that it cannot wait until I have the time to prioritize it…

And just so you have not read my blog all in vain, with it just being me, trying to get my  head around taking a break without involving the whole world, here is a very nice Pusheen picture (could not get the whole thing as one nice gif – so the picture will have to do), that makes me smile every time I see it…

It is just sort of weird in a very perfect way – have a nice day everyone 🙂